When COVID hit, I pushed the great pause. I stopped everything. Feeling the opportunity for a greater call for all of us. The truth is that I had already felt this coming. The call for a pause. To unplug from social media. Take a step back from it all. And just recalibrate. But I couldn't. The FOMO was just too much. I was scared to step back from all that I had built. To lose my audience. I had been pivoting so much at that point and felt like I was close enough. I could just muscle through until I felt "there". The funny thing is that I don't really know where there is. Maybe I do. Sort of. The "there" that's in my heart. The space that I can see so clearly of what is to become of my life. Who I am to become. The places to see, the legacies to leave, the fun to have. But these are really just whispers aren't they? Maybe soul contracts too, but there is just so much vastness in those spaces. The space from here to there.
This time has been a blessing for me and for us as a family. My husband was laid off leading to him to take his next career step and he's thriving. The kids are home with me and we are kind of rocking our homeschool adventures. My relationship with all of them is just blooming (and that's the whole point, right?) The break from a career or building a business was more than welcoming. The truth is that I haven't felt this aligned with myself in a long time. So why mess with it?
I suppose it's because it still feels like there is something missing. As wonderful as it's been to stop the hustle, decompress from all of the social marketing courses, and stop checking analytics, I do feel that there is just something else that I am meant to be doing. When I cut out all of the noise and have been able to stay dialed in on our priorities, I am also seeing that, YES, there is (still) time for me! One of the most magnificent parts about us all being home is the independence the kids have taken on. I am completely present with them during our school time. They get a ton of their needs filled up. And then guess what? After lunch they are perfectly happy to go play together or do something alone. And that space for me has been this void. Maybe I would clean some more, maybe I would scroll, maybe I would read a book, but most days, it is there for the taking. And while I love getting into a good novel, I love connecting with women more. I love sharing my story in hopes that it helps you through yours. I love hearing directly from you and working collaboratively on ways to get you more aligned with you so that you can love the shit out of your life. It's this hole that's here and ready to be filled.
I have learned to identify between when the ego is calling and when the soul is calling. I started using social media as a means to build a business initially in my first network marketing business. That was probably when I was having the most fun. Before there was a template or anything like analytics and followers. The landscape has changed dramatically since then and I don't think it's all bad but I have really struggled to find my footing. Who am I? What do I want to deliver? How can I provide value? What do I want to monetize? And what would just be fun to do on the regular? I have spent a lot of mental energy beating myself up for these questions and changes? Fear of failure just showing up in many different disguises. But I am ready to let that go.
In all of the other areas of my life, my heart just bursts in gratitude when I inhale the lessons and see where my life is now. I love my life. And that's always been the goal. To love every damn bit of it. All of the twists and turns and lessons and failures and triumphs. They have all been an important part of my path with the final destination to just love my life. And I do. Yet somehow when it comes to showing back up in a space that may resemble a business or digital marketing, I have felt fear and dread. What if I fail again? Change course again? Lose interest again?
Valid questions in which I may never be able to answer to squelch my fears but somewhere in there is some bold truth. All of the changing and the loss of interest was simply because I wasn't on the right path. And even when I was, I was dragging so much stale energy with me. The weight was heavy and I could continue to drag until it finally trailed off or I could just put it down and walk away.
My first digital course was called Fearless when I saw that the number one hurdle women faced when chasing something in their heart was fear. Fear of disappointing people. Fear of failing. Fear of succeeding. Fear of what their partner or family would say. Fear of not being the good girl. Fear of not being docile enough. Fear is the number one tactic the patriarchy has used to put us in our place. I didn't have those words when I launched the course, but I knew the feeling.
Following that I launched my podcast. A name that resonated with me for some time was MOMentum. This came from my desire to speak to women and to moms about how to create transformation in their lives when all of the other personal development literature was for men. Men that don't have mom guilt and the pressure to do it all.
I changed the podcast name to On the Brink because there was that thing that I just couldn't put my finger on that kept us on the brink of greatness. The frustrations that we as women can feel when we are right there, when we have followed the rules and read the books and done the action but it's just not happening for us.
And then I was able to label that thing - that missing piece - as the Sacred Feminine Collective, the spiritual awakening that is essential to real change and not just achieving the success but loving it because it came from the intentions of your soul.
Do you see the lie that I told myself? That I failed, when LOOK AT THE MAGNIFICENCE of the lessons! What a miracle it is to get one clue and then the next and then the next.
I will continue to get them until I die. I even got another one most recently - how to welcome the masculine back in. Rebalance our yin and yang. This was how to reclaim Her / She. Me. You.
Pretty badass, right?
I have a lot of visions for how I want to get this message out into the world. Most of which I overthink. Maybe that will go away. Maybe it won't. But this week, I have been in an energetic practice of releasing the fear that is standing in the way. Transforming that fear into gratitude. Celebrating the lessons as wisdom and trusting the soul contracts that are on my side. And just enjoying the ride.
I tell you all of this less to "reintroduce myself" and more to just let you know: I too am afraid. I have fears of messing up. Failing. Alienating people. I have fears that haunt me dressed as failures from my past. Fears of the unknown. I can label them all day long, but the real point is that they are the fears that have held me back. They get in my head and create doubt. They trample on my creativity. They clog my energy and feed me lies. It is my fears that make me think that I need to write an entire blog post explaining myself. And then after I have explained myself, then what? Will they finally go away?