healing from within

Right now my whole being hurts. It feels so tender to be human. I know not everyone feels things on this level, but for those that do, it hurts. I feel like the tears can leak out of my eyes, my ears are burning, and the heaviness in my shoulders just feels too much. This is why I drink. This is why I scroll. Because this just feels too much to bear. There must be a reason that one person should have to hold this amount of weight and pressure. There is a meaning, a message, a growth point, right? Help me feel it. Help me hear it. Help me know it. It’s like a migraine and I just need some relief from it. An Advil. Just something to give some relief because it all just feels too tender. Too tender to show up and function. I can’t fully access the rest of me. I don’t want to walk in nature. I don’t want to mother. I can’t even find the thoughts and words for my book. Is this depression? Empath life? The moon? Grief? Chuck was laid off today. It feels like a blank slate but also too much unknown. Too much of life already feels sensitive to the touch, raw. I set our family chalkboard calendar for April and just wrote CANCELED over the top. And why can’t we express the depth of these emotions without a label? Why must we isolate ourselves. Why must this create loneliness and lack? Why do we have to put this away and tell ourselves that these feelings make us feel unsteady? Quite the contrary. I am very steady in this space. Do I like it? No. But I am steady. I am made to carry the heaviness. I think we all are. And yet I still fear putting this out into the world. Will I be judged? Is this all too much? Are you ok? Is She Ok? Yes, indeed. Emotions are always too much. Let’s just go back to being positive. Easy. 


Isn’t it interesting? This world we have constructed for ourselves. All of the systems and services that we have in place to help us live out these constructed lives. And yet now in this time and space all we have is the basics. And the internet. Can you only imagine if the internet went out. Try it. It’s lovely. You get moments like these when you feel something so big and so deep and when you cut out your vices - food, booze, scrolling, shopping - all you are left is to feel it. To move the energy in a creative way. Dance. Writing. Art. Food. Ingenuity. 

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And 30 minutes later it all hurts a little less. The tears dry up. My ears are normal temperature. My breath returns to normal. Another woman has healed herself, just like she always could.