Isn’t it fascinating. The amount of layers that we have. If you were to just tell me, You’re worthy, I would totally be like, Duh, but as I sit in quiet, in meditation, and even in conscious movement with myself, I can see how much work there still is to do on this area.
I am reading the book Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel right now. One of my unspoken “goals” or spaces of healing and work that I am doing with myself is on my body. A reintegration, if you will. Earlier this year, I was able to elevate to spaces of consciousness and sub-consciousness that I didn’t fully understand. It was fun and beautiful and truly radical, but I really started to lose myself. This human person that I am embodying. I was rejecting so many of the pleasures that we get to experience in this form. Exercise was pretty much null along with really any physical form of self-expression. I could see that this wasn’t healthy when I started to fall into a very depressing state of questioning. As cool as spiritual healing can be, what’s it all for if you disconnect from your living, breathing opportunity right here. That's been a very enlightening realization for me - you can't have grounding and the ascension. The body and the soul. And so began my journey of reintegration - with my body (as well with the divine masculine but we will explore that another time). Sex, sexuality, sensuality, and passion are all key pieces of this. At one time I felt incredibly sexy. Alive in my body. And well, through the years that has faded. Let’s not say faded, let’s say transitioned? We can list the obvious things or reasons - motherhood, stress, exhaustion, the stale space that can creep into the cracks of your marriage, hormones… Anywho, Esther’s book sounded like it could be an enlightening read. And while I have enjoyed much of it, today’s story really resonated. It was all about the spaces that we have to work for to earn pleasure, like something as simple as sitting and enjoying your coffee even when the kitchen is a mess. That example knocked me over because, well, I don’t know any thing in my life that I allow myself to just have just because without first earning it in some way. There is no dessert without first having worked out. There is no girls’ getaway without first having put in the endless hours of motherhood. There is no reading a novel when the laundry could be folded. Not freely, anyway. Not without some form of guilt or shame.
I realized this in other spaces of my life too. If you've caught a few of my recent stories, I have talked about a newfound love in The Class. It’s an amazing workout class, if you will. It’s some mixture of cardio and strength training moves combined with yoga, breathwork, and energy work. You can laugh and cry and scream and dance and be erratic while also doing burpees and squats. I cannot tell you how much I love this class. Along with getting to know the class, I have also found a few teachers that speak to me louder than others. The problem with that is that I only allow myself a small time block for working out. Why? I am not sure. We are quarantined in a pandemic, you think I could maybe get a little flexible. But there is only a certain amount of time where I can guarantee the kids won’t interrupt me. But why have I placed this as a higher priority than my enjoyment and pleasure and fulfillment? Why am I not worthy of dedicating time to things that really fill my cup (opposed to kind of fill it)?
Maybe I should also share here that one of the practices of The Class is to get your heart rate up and then pause and put your hands on your body (heart and belly) and just feel what comes up. For me, what came up when I felt my racing heart was not this excitement that I was alive. It was a panic to bring it back down. All of the things that came with that… racing hearts due to anxiety or anger or too muchness in general. I have worked hard to be calm, be poised, be quiet. Basically so still and small that not much aliveness can come out. Whew. I guess there’s some stuff to work on there. Again, nothing new, though. Just the patriarchy. The layers and layers of patriarchy. And just when you think you have cleared it all, the stillness can show a different story.
What is all of this? Examples. It is just examples of the spaces and the places in my life where I don’t allow myself to expand. Where I put others first or find the need to punish myself rather than giving in to pleasure and joy. These are just examples that essentially help me answer my most pressing questions. Who am I? Who am I meant to be? What is my message. Which is answered and then trailed with fear of not being good enough. So then I ask myself again, Is that really what I am supposed to be or can’t I just find my fullest expression at home? With my kids? In our homeschooling adventures?
My answer to my questions: there is space. There is space and time for me. There is space and time for me to be seduced. There is space and time for me to work out to my favorite class. There is space and time for me to be big. There is space and time for me to be both a present mom and fulfill my soul contracts. There is space and time. And I am worthy of that.
It turns out that finding the space and time has nothing to do with rearranging your calendar and everything to do with breathing into the shadows and shining a little light on the spaces to heal.